ceaseless babbler

i miss.. a lot..

i miss writing..

i miss reading..

i miss tumblr..

i miss my friends..

i miss myself..

i am basically and generally happy. what more can i ask? i have my job, i have my boyfriend, i have my family, i have my friends. i think i am still in the uhm adjustment stage (haha!) since this is my first time to have this. i love my life, like i really do, but i think a lot of negative things are eating me - alive. i am so afraid. i think monsters are real, i can feel them. *sigh sigh sigh* i hate this feeling, i don’t wanna tell anyone, it’s absurd. i love everything i have right now as it is. continuity is what i am praying for. i am so insecure right now. i pray that tomorrow this shall evaporate like nothing happened. i miss the old me - the stronger me. tomorrow i will be better. i just had to vent this out.

i miss..

I am the one
who believes in all that you say
I am the one
who never wants to define herself
I am the one
who’s parallel, upfront, behind
I am the one
paddling like crazy through the night

Refine, old time, colorblind
Big sign, do time, doesn’t rhyme
A lot, too much, standing tall
And I’m crying in the valley:
“I shall never, ever fallen”

People are people
and I feel so strong
People are people and I’m
going on

I am the one
who stirs it up every time
I am the one
who never knows how close she is
I am the one
who’d rather be dead than confess
I am the one
trying to be good, wanting to be bad and so on

Excess, temptress, big mess
Phoney, lonely, it’s a test
Be still my heart, don’t you fail
And I’m crying on the stage floor:
“I will always prevailing!”

@.@

Why can’t I be genuinely happy? I have been telling myself all this time I should care less, I should stop thinking about them, that in one way or the other I have him.. But every time I feel his hesitations, his hurt, his feelings for her, I feel all my efforts of trying to make this work is meaningless.. This is me back to square one.. I wanna give up.. I should have given up a long time ago but I am just too stubborn.. Too stubborn to give him up.. Too stubborn to give up my feelings.. Can I not ask for a man who will be mine alone? I am tired.. I am not sure how long I can endure such feelings.. If he could just give me answers.. I need them soon.. I might lose this.. I am afraid of what I will do.. But even more afraid of what I won’t do..

“Blurry”

Everything’s so blurry
and everyone’s so fake
and everybody’s empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i’ll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you’re doing
imagine where you are
there’s oceans in between us
but that’s not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face

Everyone is changing
there’s noone left that’s real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you’re doing
I wonder where you are
There’s oceans in between us
but that’s not very far

[Chorus]

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

[Chorus]

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away…
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

Love hurts

Masakit, itang makakabug salung sakit.. Makanyan pala.. Pero enaku man magsisi kasi binuryan kuini.. Ita mu pin pache pala dintang keka itang realization na e talaga pwede kailangan mung tuknangan jang masaya ka.. Kasi balu mu na pache mas melalam pa nung nanu man panamdaman mu pota enaka milako keng sitwasyon a ita.. Kailangan mu ngeni lumawut, paynawa pa.. Ita mu pin u need to endure the feeling of missing him, to suppress whatever u want to do.. I will definitely miss him, I do now.. I am praying that whether this turn out to be favorable or not, we’ll be friends eventually.. Sana mabilis mu ing pamag-emo kung ayni.. I yearn to find the man who has the strength to love me, who will make me happy, who is unattached, and who will be happy with me.. Minsan aiisip ku na I am unfeeling, mebandal naku keng sakit.. Oneng ali rn pala kasi pache agaganaka ke atin pa rin.. This will be over soon.. Whatever the outcome may be, hopefully it is for the best…

Crazy Bitch

I deny what is right in front of me.

I am afraid.

Afraid of the unknown.

Afraid of people.

Afraid of me.

Afraid of him.

His would-be reaction.

Afraid of the aftermath.

Afraid of the hurt that might come.

Afraid of letting go.

Afraid of rejection.

Afraid of letting this pass.

Afraid of not trying.

It might be time.

This might be it.

Or not.

I need to think things through.

But I am too tired of thinking, of over analyzing things.

I need to do something about this.

STOP.

This is too much.

I dunno what to do.

I need rest.

Rest from this feeling.

Rest from everything.

I need answers.

NOW.